The What If Monster
What if she’s not healthy? What if she stops breathing? What if I forgot to do up the buckle? What if I forget her in the car when I get to the store?
I had no idea I would become so paranoid when I got pregnant, and I surely didn’t think it would be possible for that paranoia to increase once the baby came.
When I was pregnant I was much better at reining in these roaming thoughts. “You’re healthy, there have been no issues and there is nothing more you can do, what will happen will happen.” That was the mantra that brought me back to reality when the what ifs started. Now I practically have to slap myself to keep my mind from wandering too far down What If lane.
When we first moved the baby from the bassinet in our room to her own room I had the monitor up full blast and the video function on all night. This completely defeated the purpose of moving her. I got more sleep when she was grunting and farting a foot from my bed! Her room is next to ours and I can hear her as clear as day without the monitor but I insisted on sleeping with it one foot from my head.
In the month she’s been in her own room, I’ve since turn the volume down but I still sleep with the video on.
However, I still can’t go to sleep if checking on her isn’t the last thing I do before I got to bed. I’ve tried checking on her before I start my bedtime primping but it always ends with me laying in bed, looking at the monitor and making my husband hold his breath so I can hear her breath. “Shhhh, you’re breathing too loud! I can’t hear her.” After a few minutes of straining to hear, I get up and check on her again. I’ve learned to pick my battles with the What If Monster and just make the bedtime sneak peak the last thing I do.
I’ve also pulled over while driving to check on her. It’s too quiet, what’s wrong? Admittedly, I only did this once but have resisted the urge more times than I can count.
I find it amazing that Dads don’t seem to have these issues? Why is this? Are they more rational than Moms?
There should be support groups for this stuff!